GOLDEN GLOBES WORST DRESSED

*Disclaimer* I'm not yet back to full blogging mode so cut me some slack if I half ass this.

Anyhoo, I feel like everything that can be said about the best gowns on the red carpet has already been said. I mean, there's just so many adjectives the internet can use for Lupita Nyong'o, right?! And Jennifer #Lawrencing is a thing now thanks to her Dior gown, so that happened. Sorry Angelina Jolie's leg, time for retirement now. 

Personally, Amy Adams was my best dressed. Followed closely by Jessica Chastain (the detail on her gown! le sigh), Julianne Marguiles, Olivia Wilde and Cate Blanchett. But let's just dive straight to the misses, shall we?

You guys, I haven't watched Precious based on a novel by Sapphire but I have seen enough of Gabourey here to honestly say she's obese. Like 5 pounds away from being morbidly so. Those guys that call her beautiful and run to her defence when honest people like moi speak out are doing her a disservice! There are fat actresses in Hollywood that no one minds and lots of people love, Gabourey isn't one of them, because Gabourey isn't fat - she's obese.

So her stylist's choice to put her in this unforgiving fabric that shows where her bra strap digs into her shoulders, cupped with half sleeves when really it would have been kinder to cover up til the elbow is just wrong. So wrong. I gave up on my dinner and did press ups last night when she showed up on the red carpet as I was watching E!s repeat. That wrong.

On the other end of the spectrum is Lady Victoria Hervey who knows she's got a banging body and wants to rub it in everyone's faces! This is what she wore to the after party.

This isn't a one off thing by the way. Girlfriend loves putting the goods on display!

Honourable mention for worst dress goes to Julia Roberts whose dress was bi-polar; business above the waist and party downstairs, Zoe Saldana who sounded like she'd been given no choice by the designer during her interview with Seacrest and Heidi who every time she's judging Project Runway I have a hard time reconciling that wise and gentle judge with her TTH red carpet persona!

Weird how they're all basically in black and white! Next time pick a colour, it disguises a multitude of sins! God knows it saved Lena Dunham this time round. That and the genius that is Zac Posen.

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K-STEW IS KARL LAGERFELD LATEST MUSE

And this is what she decided to wear you guys. I'll give y'all a moment to take it all in.

You've got to give credit where credit is due! Kristen Stewart is winning at life! Full story here cause I'm too busy laughing to write more! And there I was thinking the reason KimK put up with this shoot is because she though she's be the next muse!

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Sartorial Nightmare Take II

You know that nightmare where you turn up on the red carpet in the same outfit as someone else? Like what happened to Alec Baldwin's baby momma and hilarious model Chrissy here? No? Weird. I have it all the time! Never mind that I've never walked a red carpet.

Anyway, that nightmare took on an even more horrifying aspect when little known Canadian singer Grimes turned out in the EXACT SAME PANTS as 2 Chainz!!!

Not only was her outfit worn by someone more famous, that someone was a GUY, and HE WORE IT BETTER!

I have to confess I only started liking 2 Chainz and his music after he cameoed on 2 Broke Girl$. Not that it matters, Im'm now a die hard fan!

I can't even start on the rest of the craziness of this night! So lemme leave you with a gif of TSwizzy dropping the F* bomb when Harry Styles got onstage to present an award. And this is why I RT'd Dawson;
"When in doubt, cut to Taylor Swift. When not in doubt, cut to Taylor Swift."
She always delivers I'm beginning to suspect she plans it!

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Cannes Wardrobe Malfunctions and the Gowns that made me go "Huh?"

Now that Cannes has wrapped and we are all just recovering from the Nicole Kidman mega fashion train, can we ease back into our days of mediocrity fashion statements by recapping the other end of the spectrum from wherever Nicole stood?

I had to start with her since I already featured her on the blog. Julianne is gorgeous, I majorly envy her hair as I do all natural redheads. So seeing her in lacklustre duds even if they're designer doesn't sit well with me. Adding salt to the wound is the fact that usually shoes save a meh outfit but her Toe-gate (as she called it on Jimmy Fallon where she was all so likeable and relatable...anyway, you just watch E!, its running this clip in the E!news segment this week) just took the outfit downhill fast!

I always struggle to reconcile Red Carpet Paz Vega and most of her on screen roles cuz RC Paz is so so cracked out! Always good for a laugh anyway!

Emmanuelle here is the french actress wife to Roman Polanski who I find endless fascinating! Seriously, his life is even more entertaining than his movies and considering these have won their fair share of awards you can draw your own conclusions. (I remember one time stumbling upon a book about him in my dad's stuff written by a woman who claims her anal raped her at Jack Nicholson's house back in the day! It was the stuff of scandal! Eeesh! Sidenote, I'm glad he learned to love again after what happen to Sharon.) Anyway, yeah. I guess being married to such a man makes all modesty and decorum to take second place to fashion statements. At least her panties matched.

Lemme preface this by confessing that I'm a huge fan of Project Runway's Unconventional Materials Challenge. Huge fan! Duct tape, Hardware, Candy, Flowers... bring it! But this self modelled biscuit tin gown by designer Larisa Katz? I think Heidi would rule OUT on this one!

Milla can do no wrong in those Resident Evil movies. Also I suspect she doesn't age. Also I think she bares more than a passing resemblance to ANTM 1winner Adrienne. That said, I hate hate hate the top half of this gown! Inside of gorgeous side boob the fit made her seem flat chested!

The back though is straight up gorgeousness!

I can't figure out who she is and I haven't the time to analyse all the outtakes of the Bling Ring team to narrow it down but holy crap on a cracker, this is quite the moon landing!

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Let's Talk Cannes: Day 1

The only major movie screening at Cannes I can think of right off the bat is The Great Gatsby so let's lead with Carrie Mulligan, shall we?

Being the star of the biggest film at the festival, Carrie went for a blush Dior Couture gown. The silhouette looks familiar but she still looks great!

See? Like I said in my last post, Fan has a go to look, this Louis Vuitton boasts of the mega train and fitted bodice with detailed neckline we've all come to learn always looks resplendent on her.

Frida upped the ante on this one in a custom silk chiffon halter Gucci gown! I love Frida because I enjoy how she's stuck with her man even when she became a designer darling and he's on a show who's renewal is never certain. (*side bar* Newsroom is really great and despite Dev preoccupation with proving BigFoot is real, I think that show deserves like 5 seasons at least!)

The newest bond girl (Ms MoneyPenny is a bond girl, right?), Naomie Harris stuns with in a Calvin Klein collection  silver beaded strapless gown.
I know this isn't about me but when I was in my teens and my shoulders were naturally like this I hated showing them off, 5 years later I work out so that I can show them off! Funny how life turns out! So kudos to Naomie here, if you'd been in my life back then you would have done wonders for my self esteem

Lana looked stunning as always, and I get the Gatsby inspiration but Cannes is where you bring the colour and the sparkle and the volume!

Lana, Exhibit A for my argument: The colours! The embroidery! The shoes! The hair! Nicole killed it and buried it in this Dior! 'Nuff said!

She is a juror at this year's festival and was emcee'ing with Audrey Tattou. When you can stand next to either Spielberg or Tattou and still command the frame is when you know you nailed it in all the right places!

I mean, for once even I can't pretend Nicole didn't win this but Solange in this nude coloured sheer Stedphane Rolland gown is a close second

But there's always someone that's just begging the Fashion Police for an arrest isn't there? I actually didn't mind Julianne Moore's Dior gown, she likes these type of gown that look like the stitching wasn't top notch although the fact that they are designer attests to them being the top notchest of the top notches but its what was happening further South that made me wince and wish she had stuck with the black pumps it had been shown with on the runway!

I cannot even begin to imagine how painful that must have been! To her (stylist's) defence, there are some pics of her on the RC with the shoes looking alright....

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PUNK: CHAOS TO COUTURE - The Met Gala 2013

JLaw photobombs SJP while Lena Dunham and Marion Cotillard smilingly look on! Epic, right?

Alright, I hope that gif makes me forgiven for taking 2 days longer to put this up than I promised. At some point during the week, I gave with ever coming up with a comprehensive post about this year's Met Red Carpet!I had no thread to carry the post through and short of a slideshow y'all would just give up with scrolling! So I gave up! Just like most of these guys did with sticking to the Punk rock theme. So I decided to make this post about those that might have nailed it...and the one that really really didn't read the memo.

Best Dressed from left: Hailee, Miley, Nina, SJP

SJP obviously has years of insider fashion knowledge on the rest so she really brung it! Carrie has on black lace panties that she wasn't afraid to float for the paps! And the head piece and tartan thigh highs? I die! (*I like how pint-sized she looks "next" to the rest*)

Loved Hailee's age appropriate dress and how she brought the punk in the detailing; those are safety pin starburst on white leather! Mind blown? Thought so.

I have newly appointed myself chairperson of the edgy Miley fan club (membership:1) so its no surprise that I am loving this figure hugging floor length fishnet gown!

I would have loved Nina's drew even more if it wasn't an obvious black...like blood red maybe! Like KStew's pant/jumpsuit. Black just seems so easy, you know?

The Vamp Babes: I'm adding JT's wifey because her look is so very similar to Nina's and yet I wouldn't change a thing. Not even the fake nose ring! This is stunning! KStew's hippy pants, not so much.

Bey looked exactly like someone worth gazillions of dollars and friends in high fashion would look i.e. custom made everything!

TBH Blake didn't really bring it but she deserves some props for choosing to showcase only the boobs (even if there this close to a wardrobe malfunction) and keeping the legs under wraps.

And if it were punk for the sake of punk, the original Material Girl wins hands down! Love the black bob too. It's my fervent prayer that I'll at the very least look HALF as good when I'm fifty!

And because I already confessed to being eternally biased (seriously, I'd be the worst reality competition judge), Solange made my best dressed list even though I don't really see that much punk rock in her look (?)

Robin Williams said it all: He wore it better.

I know this is like flogging a dead horse that everyone else has also flogged and that the designer defended her and I can see how it plays right into Kim's publicity blah blah blah but seriously, this was fugly on her and rightly deserved the couch comparisons. This much print would have worked on a slimmer taller person, (like Miley maybe?) but on curvy third trimester Kim? No. Just no. Just forget you ever saw this and scroll back up to the gif of JLaw photo bombing SJP!

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I want whatever Johnny Depp is on

I desperately wanted to put this pic up alongside one of my 1st year room at college with its Johnny Depp poster-plastered walls back when I was warm for his form and Edward Scissorhands was a regular in my fantasies. (Looking back I don't know how I managed to conjure up those cuddling sessions with a guy who had scissors for hands. Either I had very naive fantasies or very S&M ones, regardless, I can't go back to this place now and 2013 Johnny Depp isn't helping!)

The shirt is the only thing not riddled with holes and even that seems to have been trimmed at the bottom!!!

That jacket! Those pants! The fedora that looks like the mouse that lives in the hair nest atop his head chewed its way out! The bandanas (plural)! I can't understand the preparation that goes into looking like this! Does he have a slew of homeless buddies that he swaps his designer duds with on the way to functions so he can seem more down to earth? Does he do it because he's out of change and feels bad leaving them with nothing so he tells them selling clothes fresh off his back on ebay will earn them a mini fortune and take them off the streets for ever? But that doesn't explain the necklaces, whats with the necklaces??? I need to understand what happened to the Johnny Winona and I loved.

And speaking of celebs clearly TTH and going OTT with their shtick ... I had promised myself never to blog about Kim because...where to start? where to end? P calls Tarantino her celebrity shame fuck, because she loves his mind and hates his smug self. Kim is my celebrity shame blog, I don't want to even know whatever she's up to but if I see any article about her that even looks like 0.00000000001% interesting, I'll read it. *weeps for humanity*

Please help me understand, is someone really your friend if they tell you you look good in this? I'm sure the rest of the Kardsahians let get loose like this so they would look that much more better in the pics by comparison

Are the two newly discovered habitable planets located on Kim's chest?

I can't help it, Kim intentionally makes herself an easy target. If Jane Austen was the founder of game theory, Kim is the 21st century Simon Peter to her Jesus. She has her manipulative pseudo-clueless act down pat. She gets people talking about her without them wanting to talk about her. It's taking hate-watching KUWTK to another level!
Like whats up with the fact that her and Kanye already know the sex of their baby but always shop "all white or both" so they can keep people guessing! Both! You deliberately buy clothes you know your baby isn't going to wear just to keep people guessing?!? WHO DOES THAT?!? Seriously, who? You can online shop, or use a personal shopper you've made sign an NDA. Anything but buying clothes for the sake of "keeping people guessing"! Even Suri Cruise and Blue Ivy didn't put us through this nonsense! At the risk of sounding cliche to the point where even I'm giving myself serious side eye; there are starving people in Africa!!!

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The Obligatory Grammys 2013 Fashion Post

Perfection, thy name is Solange.

If you think I'm going to do a best dressed post about an event Solange attended and she doesn’t come out tops you obviously don’t know her sartorial epicness, or you probably doubt the depths of my girlcrush on her! It is fathomless...Without fathom, to quote Megamind. Why do you think I put off the post until I could get a better pic of the dress than this? (And had actually watched the show for myself instead of vicarious through twitter)

Whatever was going on with her face in this pic, you can't deny she nail the natural make up look!

Homegirl delivered in a sparkly green Ralph & Russo couture gown. Other stars' stylists shoulda been taking notes. Hey Katy Perry, this is how you do green. Though Florence Welch wasn’t too bad either.

Jlo, girlfriend, this is how they leg bomb! Not that legless dress which I thought was half bodysuit and therefore spent a shameful amount of seconds thinking how your bathroom breaks would go! (Settled on Amanda in Ugly Betty method while stuck in the latex tube, right?) 

Doesn’t hurt that Solange paired that gorgeous gown with a wildass curly Fro (whoever was sitting behind her must have hated her guts!!! Hehe!) and red hot studded Loubs. If all my years as a green loving faux redhead have taught me anything, its that you can't go wrong with that combo.

*Side bar* I saw a pic of model Jourdan Dunn out partying with Rihanna this weekend in a similar pair and she looked like she had borrowed hers? She just wasn't standing/walking right in any of the pics! 

Right? Something is a little off. She looks like they pinch.

Solange had a busy last week  and yet nailed it every time! (Although that pant less white ensemble is responsible for a long debate I had with myself...I'll spare you the details, just know the pros list was longer)

She glows, doesn’t she? Marry me Solange and let's give Jules some adorbs siblings. 

Honorable mention. 

Kudos to Adele for not wearing black for once. I'm sure we were all thinking whats up with that!?! Sting representing for the silver foxes. This is for my friend who can’t get enough of them, you know who you are! JA

*Slow clap for Kelly* Now this is how you say "up yours" to nonsensical memos. I was watching the red carpet with a guy friend and he had to remark how they must have sawn the dress on her body because there was no room for error, any slight movement offcenter and CBS cops (or whoever they had in place to reinforce the rules)would swoop in with scarves and jackets and cover her up!

Worst dressed? There's always one, isn't there? Even if she adhered to the memo, Lisa D’Amato missed the boat by a mile!!! What is she even wearing? A milkmaid crossed with a candy cane? Does she work in Dr Magorium’s Wonder Emporium? I like her new nose though.

I like her new nose though.

Notably missing? Lady Gaga. What is the Grammy's with no egg hatchings or meat dresses??? You guys, how old is mother monster if she's already getting hip replacements? I worry for our generation!

And I'm definitely upping the ante on my yoga!

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The reason 70% of viewers tuned in to Super Bowl XLVII

I hope this isn’t too late in coming. Beyonce conquered the super bowl! Complete with power outage after her performance, and holographic treatment a la Tupac at last year's Coachella, and having a stylist fly in 300 bejeweled false nails for her back up dancers (if E!news is to be believed and y’all know I consider everything Juliana Rancic says about anyone to be gossip truth if not gospel!), and the worst kept secret of the year: Destiny’s Child Reunion!!!

And she did so minus any unnecessary costume changes, although if the fuggirls’ opinion matters (which it so very much does) she ought to have changed out of that leather Borat-adjacent piece into something, anything else, because apparently the lace bits down yonder looked like *ahem* overgrowth! And now I can’t unsee it! Thank you Heather!

"She is Fieeeeerce!" (in voice of that rando ANTM commentator )

Also, you guys, Bey has been working out! Don’t think I’ve ever seen her this toned!!! Its like all the liciousness has been worked out and we are left with the lean mean performing queen Sasha Fierce!

And in other slightly related news (although its kinda blasphemous of me to let this piggy back on Beyonce’s post. I’m sorry Queen Bey, no need to excommunicate me from the Beyhive yet) in the stuff of sartorial red carpet nightmares; Jack Donaghy’s new wife wore the same dress, to the same event, in the exact same colour(!!!) as model and John Legend’s bedroom acrobatics partner Chrissy Teigen , yes she of ANTM video game enactment episode. 

Picture this if you will, Mrs. Alec Baldwin 2.0 walks the NFL red carpet on the arm of her 26years older husband, inwardly gloating at the new designer clothes now at her disposal, only to find out year younger Chrissy is a leggier version of the same turquoise dress! Jack Donaghy or no Jack Donaghy you can't tell me girlfriend didn't think for a minute her stylist was conniving with Kim Bassinger. Is this new-wife-hazing? Is her stylist just oblivious? Is Hollywood trying to give her a complex? Can you even give a yoga instructor and part time Extra! correspondent a complex??? Am I over thinking everything and it was just a disastrous coincidence?

Who wore it best? I'm going with Hilaria here because she had the better arm candy accessories although TBH Chrissy had the better dress

It was a tough one, especially since both seem to have hilarious twitter accounts! Which is no news about Chrissy, but that Jack sure is the stuff of my fantasies!

Rock on, Hilaria and go on living the life that should rightfully be mine. But you guys, in all honesty, I think I should quit my day job and become a yoga instructor, what sayeth you?

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